Letter to a Wannabe Pastor's Wife

A few years ago Holly (my spouse) was invited to write a letter to a "wannabe pastor's wife," to be posted on the True Woman blog. I think her perspective and advice is really good and worth reposting. 

Holly and our youngest child, Abby Taylor 

Even if you're not a pastor's wife, it might give you a different perspective on what is often called "the hardest job in the church." If you're a member or regular attender at Fulkerson Park, it might provide some insight into how Holly and I perceive her role and how we think through ministry decisions and priorities.

Dear Wannabe Pastor’s Wife,

I think it’s great that you would like to be a pastor’s wife! I consider it a huge privilege to be married to a man who preaches God’s Word week after week. I love my husband and am grateful for the ministry the Lord has given us.

Let me begin by sharing our current ministry circumstances. We’re getting close to completing our first decade in pastoral ministry. Brian is in his second pastorate. We’re in our mid-thirties and our children are currently 7, 3, and 2. So, the things that I’ll share reflect the context of a mother of three [now four! - BH] small children.

Sometimes there are unwritten expectations that the pastor’s wife will be a Bible study leader, the church pianist, and a great soloist all rolled into one package–oh, and she pulls this off with the kid’s hair and clothing looking perfect at all times! But we will become slaves to people’s opinions if we order our lives to please everyone else. I have sometimes found myself side-tracked with worries that I wasn’t meeting people’s expectations. Keep your eye on the ball (God’s Word)! I find much peace in going back to Scripture and reminding myself that my real acceptance and security rest in Christ’s grace, not my performance.

When we were interviewed before coming to our current church, we clarified what my role and level of involvement within the church would look like. My role is the same as most mothers with several small children. This church has been extremely supportive and respectful of me in that decision. Biblically, the role of a pastor’s wife is the same as every wife’s: love your husband and children, manage your home well, and be an example to women around you (Titus 2:4-5). Though keeping the home running smoothly may seem mundane, this is an important ministry to Brian. 

We regularly evaluate what I’m doing in the church to ensure that it’s best for our family. I let my spiritual gifting direct many of my choices. I would encourage you to do the same–pastor’s wife or not! My spiritual gift is service, which means much of my involvement is behind the scenes. This, of course, will vary from person to person. We will serve people best if we’ll just be ourselves.

Your main role is to support your husband. This will look different for each family but here are a few suggestions:

1) Watch out for him. You know him better than anyone and have his best interests in mind. If he is overworking himself, lovingly bring it to his attention. Try to find ways to lighten the load. Occasionally, there are seasons where there is no way around the busyness at church. During those times, be his “fun zone!” Be the place where he can relax and not have to fix problems.

2) Give your husband helpful and honest feedback. Brian often asks me for feedback on his messages. When he asks for advice, I try not to shoot off the cuff, but take it seriously. Some Sunday mornings, I am unusually exhausted or maybe one of my children was distracting me. So the problem may have been with me, not the sermon! Take time to think through your opinions carefully to be sure they are wise and accurate.

3) Stand with him when times are tough. Even when you disagree with him, respect him, both publicly and privately. Pray that God will give him wisdom in making decisions. Do not forget the seriousness of his calling. He is bringing the gospel to the church each week.

Here are a few other random thoughts:

• Never gossip. As a pastor’s wife, you will be privy to much personal information. Keep all of it to yourself. Let this knowledge drive you to pray. It is a privilege to have the trust of people and to be in a position to help them. We must guard that trust.

• Grow a thick skin. A pastor almost never gets a 100% approval rating from the church (except maybe during the first month)! There will be criticisms. Try not to take every conflict too seriously. Keep a sense of humor. This is easier said than done, I know. But Jesus will help us when we ask.

• Be careful what you read concerning being a pastor’s wife. There are lots of negative statistics and studies telling how hard it can be. This is not really helpful or useful information. Read people who are positive and offer help for getting through the tough stuff.

I call myself a “weekend widow” because Brian works long hours on Saturday and Sunday! But when I happily “hold down the fort,” it frees him up to do his job. Remembering the eternal significance of what he is doing helps me keep a good attitude.

Thanks for allowing me share with you. If the Lord does indeed call you to be a pastor’s wife, I pray he will give you many wonderful experiences and much joy in it!

Holly Hedges

Active Spirituality: The Relationship Between God's Grace and Your Effort in Living the Christian Life

One of the most important questions I am asked as a pastor is how to understand the relationship between God's grace and our effort in living the Christian life. We know that we are supposed to walk in the power of the Spirit. But what does this look like?

Some forms of spirituality promote an unhealthy passivity in their approach to sanctification, by using such slogans as "Let go and let God" or "It's not in trying, it's in trusting." (Note: for an excellent historical overview and charitable critique of one significant stream of this teaching, see Andy Naselli's book Let Go and Let God: A Survey and Analysis of Keswick Theology.) Even among Reformed thinkers, who are rightly allergic to an overemphasis on moral effort that obscures the primacy of God's grace, there lurks the danger of speaking about the role of the gospel (or grace, or the Spirit) in sanctification in ways that mute biblical exhortations like "walk," "fight," and "run".

I'm working on a book that will address some of these concerns, called Active Spirituality, which will be published by Shepherd Press in 2012 or 2013. But here is a sampling of quotes from theologians across the centuries who seem to get the biblical balance right. 

“Give me the grace to do as you command, and command me to do what you will! . . . when your commands are obeyed, it is from you that we receive the power to obey them.” --Augustine, Confessions, Book X, Chap. 31.

"There can be no doubt...that the beginning of our salvation rests with God, and is enacted neither through us nor with us. The consent and the work, however, though not originating from us, nevertheless are not without us... What was begun by grace alone, is completed by grace and free choice together, in such a way that the contribute to each new achievement not singly, but jointly; not by turns, but simultaneously. It is not as if grace did one half of the work and free choice the other, but each does the whole work, according to its own peculiar contribution. Grace does the whole work, and so does free choice - with this one qualification: that whereas the whole is done in free choice, so the whole is done of grace. --Bernard of Clairvaux, De gratia, 14.46-47; Quoted in Dennis E. Tamburello, Union with Christ: John Calvin and the Mysticism of St. Bernard, p. 42.

"Our duty and God's grace are nowhere opposed in the matter of sanctification, yeah, the one doth absolutely suppose the other. Neither can we perform our duty herein without the grace of God; nor doth God give us this grace unto any other end but that we may rightly perform our duty. He that shall deny either that God commands us to be holy in a way of duty, or promiseth to work holiness in us in a way of grace, may with as much modesty reject the whole Bible." --John Owen, "A Discourse Concerning the Holy Spirit," in Works of John Owen, Volume 3, p. 384.

"In efficacious grace we are not merely passive, nor yet does God do some, and we do the rest. But God does all, and we do all. God produces all, and we act all. For that is what he produces, viz. our own acts. God is the only proper author and fountain; we are the only proper actors. We are, in different respects, wholly passive, and wholly active." --Jonathan Edwards, "On Efficacious Grace," in The Works of Jonathan Edwards, Volume 2, p. 557.

"In the gospel...there are actually no demands and no conditions. For God supplies what he demands. Christ has accomplished everything, and though he did not accomplish rebirth, faith, and repentance in our place, he did acquire them for us, and the Holy Spirit therefore applies them. Still, in its administration by Christ, the covenant of grace does assume this demanding conditional form. The purpose is to acknowledge humans in their capacity as rational and moral beings; still, though they are fallen, to treat them as having been created in God's image; and also on this supremely important level, where it concerns their eternal weal and eternal woe, to hold them responsible and inexcusable; and, finally, to cause them to enter consciously and freely into this covenant and to break their covenant with sin. The covenant of grace, accordingly, is unilateral: it proceeds from God; he has designed it and defined it. He maintains and implements it. It is a work of the triune God and is totally completed among the three Persons themselves. But it is destined to become bilateral, to be consciously and voluntarily accepted and kept by humans in the power of God... The covenant of grace does not deaden human beings or treat them as inanimate objects. On the contrary, it totally includes them with all their faculties and powers, in soul and body, for time and eternity. It embraces them totally, does not destroy their power, but deprives them of their impotence. IT does not kill their will but frees them from sin; it does not numb their consciousness but delivers it from darkness. It re-creates the whole person and, having renewed it by grace, prompts it, freely and independently, with soul, mind, and body, to love God and to dedicate itself to him." --Herman Bavinck, Reformed Dogmatics: Sin and Salvation in Christ, Volume 3, p. 230.

“God’s work in salvation, in Paul’s view, never absorbs or invalidates man’s work, but arouses and stimulates it and gives it meaning.” --G. C. Berkouwer, Faith and Sanctification, p. 122.

"Passivity, which quietists think liberates the Spirit, actually resists and quenches him. Souls that cultivate passivity do not thrive, but waste away. The Christian's motto should not be 'Let go and let God' but 'Trust God and get going!'" --J. I. Packer, Keep in Step with the Spirit, p. 157.

"Therefore, my beloved, as you have always obeyed, so now, not only as in my presence but much more in my absence, work out your own salvation with fear and trembling, for it is God who works in you, both to will and to work for his good pleasure." --The Apostle Paul, Philippians 2:12-13

Endorsements for Licensed to Kill: A Field Manual for Mortifying Sin

My next book Licensed to Kill: A Field Manual for Mortifying Sin is now complete and will be shipping in just a couple of weeks. You can pre-order the book from Cruciform Press in both print and e-book formats.


Here are several endorsements of the book:


“Are there things you hate that you end up doing anyway? Have you tried to stop sinning in certain areas of your life, only to face defeat over and over again? If you’re ready to get serious about sin patterns in your life – ready to put sin to death instead of trying to manage it – this book outlines the only strategy that works. This is a book I will return to and regularly recommend to others.”

--Bob Lepine, Co-Host, FamilyLife Today

“Sanctification is a grueling process. But it’s NOT the process of moving beyond the reality of our justification but rather moving deeper into the reality of our justification. This is why when Jesus was asked in John 6:28, “What must we do to be doing the works of God?” he answered, “This is the work of God, that you believe in him who he sent.” Jesus was getting at the root of the problem because justification alone kills all of our self-salvation projects that fuel all of our bad behavior and moral failures. Brian Hedges shows the importance of fighting the sin that so easily entangles us and robs us of our freedom by fleeing to the finished work of Christ every day. Well done!”

--Tullian Tchividjian, Pastor of Coral Ridge Presbyterian Church and author of Surprised by Grace: God’s Relentless Pursuit of Rebels

“Brian Hedges hasn’t written a book for our recreational pleasure, but a “field manual” to assist us in our battle against sin. Rather than aiming at simple moral reformation, Licensed to Kill aims at our spiritual transformation in this fight by addressing the “drives and desires of our hearts.” Like any good field manual, this is a small volume that focuses on the most critical information regarding our enemy, and gives practical instruction concerning the stalking and killing of sin. This is a theologically solid and helpfully illustrated book that not only warns of sin’s danger, but also holds out the gospel confidence of sin’s ultimate demise.”

--Joe Thorn, author, Note to Self: The Discipline of Preaching to Yourself, Lead Pastor, Redeemer Fellowship, Saint Charles, IL

“Are you ready for a serious fight to the death? My friend Brian Hedges goes for the jugular by dusting off a near antique word (and worse, a scarcely-used yet lethal weapon): mortification. Are Christ-followers really licensed to kill? Read this “field-manual” and you will discover that you have a monstrous and aggressive antagonist who is aiming to annihilate you. It’s your duty to fight back! Brian has given us a faithful, smart, Word-centered guide to help us identify and form a battle plan for mortally wounding the enemy of indwelling sin.”

--Wes Ward, Senior Director of Media & Content Strategy, Revive Our Hearts (and a co-elder with the author)

Help Equip Students, Pastors, and Missionaries in Africa

Next month, I am returning to South Africa for a mission trip. Joining me this year is a close friend from our church, Kenny Powell. I had the privilege of baptizing Kenny several years ago and later officiating in Kenny’s wedding to Merrilee. He is a good friend, a devoted follower of Christ, and an emerging leader in our church.

Back to Back to the Bible

So, I’m excited to be bringing him along for his first, and my sixth, mission trip to the Back to the Bible Training College in Barberton, South Africa. We will spend a week in preaching, teaching, counseling, and training students for pastoral ministry.

Brian with the staff and students of BBTC 

Equipping Believers by Bringing Books

I’m convinced that equipping fellow-believers in third world countries with books and tools for spiritual growth and ministry is one of the greatest opportunities that we have for using our resources for the kingdom of God.

This year I would like to help the faculty and students of BBTC in four ways:

• Put an ESV Study Bible into the hands of every first-year student and faculty member

• Serve as a partner with Desiring God International by bringing over 1000 books (which they have donated free of charge) for distribution to the students and staff of the college

• Provide for each student and faculty-member a copy of my recent book, Christ Formed in You: The Power of the Gospel for Personal Change

• Purchase new books (reference works, commentaries, and theology) to donate to the BBTC library

How can you help?

In order to accomplish these goals, we need to raise money.

• Because they are too heavy to carry or ship, we will purchase the ESV Study Bibles from a distributor in Africa. These cost about $50.00 each and we need 80 copies this year.

• Desiring God International has donated their books free of charge, but we still have to pay extra luggage or shipping fees to transport them (costing between $1 and $2 per book).

• And though we will purchase copies of my book at a steep discount, they still cost money and have to be packed and carried.

• And reference books, commentaries, and theological volumes suitable for libraries are also quite expensive.


So, I'd like to ask you to consider giving towards this need. I can assure you that every dollar you send will be used for purchasing and shipping books. None of your giving will be used to finance our actual travel costs. If you or your organization would like to help, please send your donation, payable to Fulkerson Park Baptist Church, to the following address with “Books for Africa” written on the memo line of your check:

Fulkerson Park Baptist Church
c/o Brian Hedges
1234 Fulkerson St
Niles, MI 49120

Thanks for prayerfully considering this opportunity to invest in the lives of others.

The Best Books I Read in 2010

For years now I have kept up the habit of making a list of the books I read and rating them on a 1 to 5 star scale. The following is a list of the books that I liked most last year, with some very brief comments. Most of them were not published in 2010, so this is not a list of the best books published last year, but rather of the best ones I happened to read. They are loosely in the order in which I read them, though I grouped a few titles together. Otherwise, there is no order - in other words, no attempt to rate these on an ascending or descending scale of how much I liked them.


A Praying Life: Learning to Love to Pray by Paul Miller. This was the first book I read in 2010 and is the best book I've ever read on prayer. Most books on prayer either (1) inform me, teaching me something new about prayer, or (2) make me feel guilty for not praying more. Miller's book was different: it made me want to pray. I liked it so much that I've started reading it again in 2011. (As an aside, I'm excited that Miller will be speaking at this year's Desiring God Conference for Pastors, which I plan to attend.)


The Lost World of Genesis One: Ancient Cosmology and the Origins Debate by John Walton. You can read some of my thoughts about this book here.


Writing Tools: 50 Essential Strategies for Every Writer by Roy Peter Clark. Since I was writing a book in early 2010, I also spent some time reading more about the craft of reading - something I intend to keep doing from now on. So far, this has been my favorite. It is easy to read, interesting, and practical. One to return to again and again.


My Name is Asher Lev: A Novel by Chaim Potok. I read three novels by Potok this year and read The Chosen several years ago. This is my favorite novel by Potok and was the best novel I read in 2010 (with John Steinbeck's East of Eden a close second). Potok was an American Jewish rabbi who wrote about the world he knew. This is a story of a Jewish boy who becomes an artist and how that affects his family. It is a heart-rending book, but well worth the emotional investment. Reading this novel, along with it's sequel, The Gift of Asher Lev, aroused my interest in art and led me to read a couple of Christian books on the arts, the best of which was State of the Arts: From Bezalel to Mapplethorpe by Gene Edward Veith Jr.


The Holy Spirit Abridged and Made Easy to Read by R. J. K. Law by John Owen. This was one of eight books I either read or completed by Owen this year. All of them fit in this list, though I won't name them all. Let it suffice to say that, with the exception of Scripture, Owen's books have done me more spiritual good than any others. If you want to give Owen a try, this is not a bad volume to start with. For folks not used to reading the Puritans, I do recommend starting with the abridged modernizations published in Banner of Truth's Puritan Paperback series. They are significantly condensed, but much easier to navigate than the original volumes. For myself, I'm making it a practice to read some of both.


The Drama of Scripture: Finding Our Place in the Biblical Story by Craig Bartholomew and Michael Goheen. I've read a lot of books on the overall narrative of Scripture in recent years, but this one is probably the best. This was my companion while preaching through a series of sermons called God's Story: The Drama of Redemption. If you want to understand how the whole Bible hangs together, this would be a great book for you.


Sticky Teams: Keeping Your Leadership and Staff on the Same Page by Larry Osborne. This was a very helpful book for me and our leadership team at Fulkerson Park this year; the title is self-explanatory. I also read a handful of books on preaching, most of them during my study leave in the spring. The best were undoubtedly Preaching and Preachers by D. Martyn Lloyd-Jones (a re-read), 360 Degree Preaching: Hearing, Speaking, and Living the Word by Michael J. Quicke, and The Homiletical Plot: The Sermon as Narrative Art Form by Eugene L. Lowry. These are three very different books, written from not entirely compatible perspectives. But I benefited from each one. Lloyd-Jones was the most encouraging and inspiring, Quicke's the most practical and instructive, and Lowry's the most paradigm-shifting.


Letters to Malcolm: Chiefly on Prayer and The Pilgrim's Regress, both by C. S. Lewis and both re-reads. These are two of seven books I read by Lewis this year. What can I say? I can't stop reading Lewis. Like Owen, he has become a lifelong conversation partner. He helps me differently than Owen does. Owen seems to know my heart, and reading him almost always results in conviction of sin, deeper faith in Christ, and movement towards communion with God. Sometimes Lewis helps me in these ways, too, but most often Lewis awakens my mind and imagination and helps me see more clearly and experience more deeply - God, life, the world,and relationships with others.


Bonhoeffer: Pastor, Martyr, Prophet, Spy by Eric Metaxas was one of only two biographies I made it all the way through this year, but was excellent in every way. Metaxas is not only a great scholar, he is an brilliant writer. He made Bonhoeffer come to life for me. Highly recommended.


Generous Justice: How God’s Grace Makes Us Just by Timothy Keller. Apart from Owen's books, this was the most convicting book I read this year. See my review here.


Finally, three books on various aspects of theology and spiritual formation. The Me I Want to Be: Becoming God’s Best Version of You by John Ortberg, a down-to-earth and delightful guide to holistic personal change. The Deep Things of God: How the Trinity Changes Everything by Fred Sanders, an extremely well-written and thoroughly biblical book on the doctrine of the Trinity and how it gives shape to Evangelical experience. The Rest of God: Restoring Your Soul by Restoring Sabbath by Mark Buchanan, a wise, pastoral primer on the practice of Sabbath (although, I'm still not a Sabbatarian, theologically speaking, but that's for another blog post!), that was also one of the most beautifully written books I read all year.

So, what were your favorite reads in 2010? I'm now starting my reading lists for 2011, so let me know what you think would be worth the time. I'm eager to receive recommendations.

15 Authors in 15 Minutes

This is one of those memes that show up on Facebook. I decided I might as well make a blog-post of it, too. The idea was to list 15 authors who've influenced you in 15 minutes. I think I took longer than 15 minutes, though. Anyway. Here goes.

1. Thornton W. Burgess - my first memory of being enthralled with a book is from 2nd grade when I read The Adventures of Danny Meadow Mouse by Burgess. I later went on to read many more of his animal adventures and basically never quit reading. It's been fun to watch my son get to enjoy the same stories over the last year or so.

2. Louis L'Amour - his western novels, especially the Sacketts, were my bread and butter in my early teen years. Perhaps most impactful of all was his memoirs, Education of a Wandering Man, which sealed once and for all my passion to learn. I've been keeping reading lists ever since. Oh, and I still read the westerns, too.

3. C. S. Lewis - I got into Lewis backwards. Most people get their intro with Narnia and move on to the other stuff. I read The Screwtape Letters first, followed it with (don't remember the order) The Four Loves, An Experiment in Criticism, The Lion, the Witch, and the Wardrobe, Till We Have Faces, and Surprised by Joy. I didn't start reading the other fiction till seven or eight years ago. Anyway, he's had a HUGE influence on me and gets quoted in almost every sermon.

4. John Bunyan - The Pilgrim's Progress continues to help me understand my own journey as a Christian. One of the best Christian books ever written.

5.Steven Covey - The 7 Habits of Highly Effective People was life-changing for me. Helped me start taking responsibility and initiative and become a proactive person. I still regularly use the principles I learned from Covey.

6.John MacArthur - his book Faith Works set my doctrine straight and got me to reading good theology.

7. D. Martyn Lloyd-Jones- Lloyd-Jones' published sermons gave me a taste of God that I had never experienced before. I was especially helped by his sermons on Ephesians 3 and in the book Joy Unspeakable. I enjoyed the biography by Iain Murray as much as any book I've ever read and still come back to MLJ's Preaching and Preachers every several years.

8. John Piper - His books Desiring God, The Pleasures of God, and Future Grace changed my life. Piper helped rescue me from both legalism and license by showing me that satisfaction is found in Christ alone. "God is most glorified in me, when I am most satisfied in him."

9. Jonathan Edwards - Piper also got me onto Edwards. The Religious Affections remains one of the top five most important books I've ever read. It is also one of the two or three most heart-searching.

10. N. T. Wright - My initial reaction to Wright was quite negative, but some of the things he said made me dig deeper. I finally read the three big thick books in his Christian Origins and the Question of God series and am so glad I did. I still disagree with Wright about justification, but I really appreciate his work on Jesus and the resurrection and the way he does eschatology. And he is a darn good writer!

11. Graeme Goldsworthy- Along with Bryan Chapell and Don Carson, Goldsworthy helped me start understanding the Old Testament and biblical theology.

12. Paul David Tripp - Instruments in the Redeemer's Hands saved my life in pastoral counseling. I've continued to benefit from Tripp's work, along with the other CCEF authors (Powlison, Welch, Lane, etc.).

13. Chaim Potok - perhaps the best novelist I've read. I've never read another author who can write about human experience with such poignancy. I keep coming back to him again and again.

14. Timothy Keller - has only published five books, most of them in the past few years. I've read them all and each one has helped me significantly. Keller's approach to contextualization, evangelism, and mission have been paradigm-shifting for me.

15.John Owen - the single most important author I've read. His 23 volumes are magisterial. Every time I read Owen I benefit. No one can plummet the depths of my experience as a struggling believer, like Owen. I'm now working my way straight through his works (in volume 2). Owen will be my life-long conversation partner for theology and spirituality.

BONUS: I've got to get John Calvin and J. R. R. Tolkien in here somewhere, too. :-)

First Endorsements for Christ Formed in You

I suppose it's shamelessly self-promoting to post endorsements of my own book on my own blog, but here it goes. These are the first three endorsements I've received:

"With clarity, balance, common sense, and a relentless commitment to keeping his eye on the goal, Brian Hedges sets the fullness of the gospel to work on the lives of believers, wielding it like a craftsman to shape us into images of Christ."

-Kris Lundgaard, Author of The Enemy Within: Straight Talk about the Power and Defeat of Sin and Through the Looking Glass: Reflections on Christ that Change Us

"Brian Hedges understands that the pursuit of “the holiness without which no one will see the Lord” (Hebrews 12:14) requires a clear understanding the Gospel. For it is in the Gospel that we see Christ in His glory most clearly. And the better we understand and feast our souls on the Gospel of Christ, the more intimate with and like Jesus we become."

-Donald S. Whitney (from the Foreword), Associate Professor of Biblical Spirituality, The Southern Baptist Theological Seminary, Louisville, KY, and Author of Spiritual Disciplines for the Christian Life

"Brian Hedges combines credible exegesis and astute theological balance in his approach to spiritual formation. And he wraps it all up in a thoroughgoing Christ-centeredness that is practical and winsome. This book is evangelical spirituality at its best!"

-Del Fehsenfeld III, Pastoral Services Director and Director of Communications, Life Action Ministries; Senior Editor, Revive Magazine

Happy Anniversary

Fourteen years ago today, we vowed to love and cherish till death do us part. We sang to each other at the wedding and it felt like we were the only two people on earth. Dad officiated, choking back tears as he spoke the holy words that made us man and wife. I loved her that day and she loved me and we had no idea what we were in for.

Who really knows how to love another person for an entire life? Marriage is a furnace, a refiner’s fire made hot by God’s bellows, for melting the will into liquid resignation as the dross of sin and self surface. It would have been so easy for her to pull out, to quit those vows, to take back promises, to choose an easier path. I did not know how to listen, was not fluent in the language of the heart. I was too wise in my own eyes. I loved her, but she had a fierce competitor in the person who daily stared back at me from the mirror.

Fourteen years must seem short to our parents and grandparents who have persevered for thirty years or sixty, who have known more of the "for worse...for poorer...in sickness" than have we. But it has been long enough to test the mettle, to sleep in the flames of this furnace, and to see the refined silver begin to emerge. Enough to move through both the warm naivety of love’s first blush and the cold disillusionment of frustrated expectations on to the fierce white-hot passion born of determined commitment and self-denying love.

I knew then, but understand now, that there are seasons in marriage. There are seasons of breaking fallow ground and of sowing in tears and of reaping in joy. There are seeds of sacrifice that must be planted in hope and watered with prayer and fertilized with forgiveness and compassion. And after the seeds grow and the fruit ripens, there is the sweet taste of joy in the joy of the other.

I love her more now than I did fourteen years ago. I love her because her common sense keeps me grounded. Her smiles and songs brighten my days and nights. Her laughter pulls me out of my sometimes too fretful solitude and tethers me to the gift of life. Her tenderness sensitizes me to the needs of our children. Her courage emboldens me, makes me brave. Her forgiveness reassures me that grace is real.

Holly, you are my best friend and the love of my life. Thanks for saying yes, and then I do, and then I love you and I forgive you ten thousand times. Thanks for staying true to me, to us, to our Lord. Thanks for carrying and bearing and nurturing and teaching and loving and being with Stephen, Matthew and Susannah. You are a beautiful woman, an excellent wife, a loving mom. We’ve had fourteen years. I hope we have fifty more. Happy anniversary.

With all my heart,

Brian

Letter to a 13-year old

Last year someone asked me to write a letter to her son on his thirteenth birthday. Here's the letter minus his name to protect personal identity.

Dear ___________,

As you enter your thirteenth year, you are beginning the journey out of boyhood into manhood. These are some of the most important and formative years of your life. Decisions made over the next eight to ten years will shape you for years to come. Experiences you have now will linger in your memory in ways that many childhood experiences will not.

Scripture says that we are to remember our Creator in the days of our youth (Ecclesiastes 12:1). This is easier said than done. Knowing God is life’s most important priority, but so often (for both teens and adults!) it gets shoved to the sidelines. Don’t make that mistake. Saint Augustine once prayed, “You have made us for Yourself, and our hearts are restless until they find their rest in You.” This is true. There is a satisfying rest found in Christ that no other person, pleasure, place, or thing can give you.

But, how do you find it?

First, you have to know who you are. You are a creature, not the Creator. This means that you live with limitations. You can’t just do anything, because there are some powers and capacities that you don’t have. As much as we like superheroes, that’s not who we are! You are not self-existent or self-sustained. The longevity of your life will be largely determined by factors outside of your control. You will not live forever. Some day you will die. But as a creature, you are also responsible and accountable. God has made you to live for him. And you will someday give an account of your life to him.

Second, you have to recognize your need. We’re all born with cravings and desires for something more than this earth offers. C. S. Lewis said, “If I find in myself a desire which no experience in this world can satisfy, the most probable explanation is that I was made for another world.” The problem is that this “inconsolable longing” (to use Lewis’s phrase) so often attaches itself to other things. Sometimes these are good things, like sports, friendships, or careers. Sometimes they are bad things, like drugs or destructive relationships. But in either case, the root is the same. We expect something else to do for us what only God can do. This is the essence of evil. The prophet Jeremiah, speaking on God’s behalf, said it well, “My people have committed two great evils – they have forsaken me the Fountain of Living Waters, and hewn for themselves cisterns which can hold no water” (Jeremiah 2:13). Evil (or sin) is, in essence, looking to anything to be for us what only God can be. This is what Scripture calls idolatry.

Sin puts us in a bad relationship with God. It makes us his enemies. That’s why, in order to find your rest in God, you need to know a third thing: God’s provision for you in Christ. I’m probably not saying anything you don’t know, but this is the best news in the world. This is the gospel: though you and I are far more sinful than we could ever fully realize, we’re also more loved than we’d ever dare to dream. God loves us so much that he sent his Son on a rescue mission. Jesus came to live the life you should have lived and die the death you should have died. God treated Jesus like he had lived a sinful life, so he could treat you as if you had lived a perfect life. If sin puts us in a bad relationship with God, Jesus – the Son – puts us in a right relationship with God. By trusting in him alone, we are saved.

Maybe you know all of this already. If you do, praise God. If this is new, I hope you’ll dig deeper. Read Scripture. Ask questions. Talk to other Christians. Read the great classics of the Christian faith – books by Augustine, Lewis, and others – and discover these truths for yourself.

That leads to the fourth and last thing I’ll share about how to find your rest in God. Pursue it! Go after it! The Bible describes the Christian life as a race to be run and a fight to be fought. In other words, it takes effort! It’s not easy to be a Christian. But it is worth it. So, how do you pursue God? Well, pursue him with your mind. Learn as much as you can about him and his word. This means, of course, reading the Bible. But more than that, it means studying Scripture. Again, it takes work. But as someone once said, “Raking is easy, but all you get is leaves. Digging is hard, but you might find diamonds.” But pursuing God also involves your heart. It means learning to love what God loves and hate what he hates. You won’t do this naturally. Our affections and desires have to be trained to enjoy heavenly food. But, through worship and prayer, those new instincts can be developed. Finally, pursuing God involves your relationships. Perhaps the most important thing I could say to you at this stage in your life is this: look for godly and mature men to disciple you and mentor you. Find people who are further down the road in their spiritual journey than you and learn from them as much as you can.

Sadly, I don’t know you that well and almost never get to see you or your family. I wish that were different. Since we’re almost strangers, I can imagine that a letter like this might seem weird. After all, who am I to tell you what to do? Well, no one really. Just someone who has lived a little bit longer and cares for you, even if from a distance. I remember my teen years well – the exhilaration and the frustration! I’m sure you’ll get lots of good advice from lots of people. You’ll probably get some not-so-helpful-advice from a few! But I think the most important thing anyone could ever say to you is this: pursue your soul’s satisfaction in Christ.

Your friend,


Brian Hedges

Study Leave

So, what does a pastor do on "study leave"? Well, he studies. But what? Here's what I've been working on this week.

1. Personal Spiritual Renewal

I've tried to spend a portion of each day in some combination of reading Scripture, prayer, journaling, and reading for personal spiritual renewal. In Scripture, I've primarily been in the Psalms, the last few chapters of Proverbs and Ecclesiastes, and the Pastoral Epistles. For books, I've been reading in John Owen's Spiritual-Mindedness and John Ortberg's The Me I Want to Be: Becoming God's Best Version of You. These two books are, as you can imagine, quite different, but each beneficial in its own way. John Owen was a Puritan and his book presses the importance of meditation on spiritual things and diagnoses why a person may lack a spiritual mind. There is nothing light about Owen. Someone once compared Owen to a surgeon and said that before reading him, you should prepare to "come under the knife." But no human author has ever helped me more than Owen. Ortberg, on the other hand, is a contemporary author and pastor. This is a very good book on living in the "flow" of the Spirit. Ortberg writes with personal authenticity, profound insight into spiritual life, with large doses of warm humor thrown in. I like him, partly, because he is so human. I can relate to him and find his ideas and stories both insightful and applicable. This is a great book.

2. Reading on Preaching

A second part of this study leave has been devoted to reading (and some listening) about preaching. This week I finished again D. Martyn Lloyd-Jones' Preaching and Preachers. Few books have proven more helpful to me as a preacher, and it was refreshing to read again. I've also read Andy Stanley's Communicating for a Change, a book that approaches preaching from a very different angle than Lloyd-Jones! The gain of Stanley's book is its immense practicality. He is an advocate of "one point sermons" and shows you how to do it. I benefited from his book and hope to apply some of what he teaches. Yesterday I received in the mail Michael Quicke's 360 Degree Preaching. I've only read about three chapters, but have already found it very, very helpful. Then, I’ve been dipping into volume 7 of Hughes Oliphant Old’s The Reading and Preaching of the Scriptures in the Worship of the Christian Church. Old has thoroughly researched the history of preaching, and in this final volume, provides brief analysis of dozens of contemporary preachers including John Stott, William Still, Chuck Swindoll, Charles Stanley, Tim Keller, John MacArthur, Dick Lucas, Sinclair Ferguson (those are the ones I’ve read) and more. In addition to all the reading, I'm also listening to various preachers, both to be fed and to learn from their unique styles. So, I've listened to Andy Stanley, Lloyd-Jones, John MacArthur, and Tim Keller - and plan to listen to several Sinclair Ferguson sermons before the trip is up.

3. Sermon Preparation

A third focus in this study leave is sermon preparation. This summer I will be preaching through the letters to the seven churches of Asia in Revelation 2 and 3. So, I've started working on these sermons: outlining, taking notes, and reading Grant Osborne's excellent commentary on Revelation. My goal is to get several weeks ahead in the "spade work" of sermon prep, so that most of the textual/exegetical work is complete and initial ideas for the message are on paper and simmering. I'm also charting out possible sermon series for the next year and am re-thinking my weekly routines for sermon preparation. I would like to develop a system where I'm preparing three sermons at once: doing the exegetical work for messages about three months in advance, writing the first draft of upcoming sermons ten days in advance, and then working hard on the current week's message. We'll see how sustainable this plan is, but so far, I'm encouraged with the headway I've been able to make.

4. Writing

I've also spent one morning working on the final edits of Christ Formed in You. Once these are approved by my editor, we'll be sending the final, edited manuscript into Shepherd Press. I'm excited to finally see the light at the end of the tunnel!

So, that's been the substance of this week. For those of you who attend Fulkerson Park, thank you for this extra time off to think, plan, study, pray, and prepare.

Christ Formed in You Update

Updates on my book:

Semi-final introduction is written and online.

Kevin wrote a post about the goal of the book: a unified vision of gospel spirituality.

The semi-final Table of Contents:

Christ Formed in You
The Power of the Gospel for Personal Change

Part I: The Foundations of Personal Change
1. Restoring God’s Broken Image: The Goal
2. The Key to Transformation: The Gospel
3. The Curse is Canceled: Justification
4. The Cure Has Begun: The Heart
5. Closing the Gap: Sanctification

Part II: The Path of Personal Change
6. Captivated by Beauty: Holiness
7. The Killing of Sin: Mortification
8. Growing in Grace: Vivification
9. The Quest for Joy: Motivation

Part III: The Means of Personal Change
10. Training in the Spirit: Disciplines
11. The Refiner’s Fire: Suffering
12. Life Together: Community

Things you can pray for:

• The completion of chapters 1 and 12. These are still in editing, and chapter 12 will need substantial revision. This will probably happen in the next two weeks.
• Endorsements. I have endorsements in from Kris Lundgaard and Don Whitney, but there are at least half a dozen other potential endorsements that I'd still like to see come in.
  
• Marketing. Of course, I'll be talking with Shepherd Press about this and I'm sure they have some great ideas. Some marketing depends on the author. And the best marketing may be word-of-mouth recommendations. So, spread the word! :)
• Most importantly, pray for the Lord to use this book to help people in their spiritual growth.
  

Top Ten Books of 2009

I've not posted for awhile, but hope to resume regular posting in January. But to round out the year, here's my top ten list of books read (not necessarily published) this year.

10.The Inklings: C. S. Lewis, J. R. R. Tolkien, Charles Williams, and their Friends – Humphrey Carpenter

A great biographical sketch of Lewis, Tolkien, and Williams with a focus on their friendships and their reading group, the Inklings.






9.Not the Way Its Supposed to Be: A Breviary of Sin – Cornelius Plantinga

A carefully nuanced study of the doctrine of sin, in all its many facets.








8.Girl Meets God: A Memoir – Lauren F. Winner

The best biography/memoir I read this year, this is Lauren Winner's chronicle of her journey from Judaism to Christianity. Immensely interesting and beautifully written. I also read two other books by Winner which could easily have made this list.






7.Getting Things Done: The Art of Stress-free Productivity – David Allen

One of the most practical books I've read, even though I was late in getting to it. This book works, if you apply it. I've put much of it into practice, including some reorganizing of my office, but need to read it again to take it a step further.






6.The Children of Hurin – J. R. R. Tolkien

Out of nearly a dozen novels I read this year, this was the best. It's also the saddest book I've ever read. Cormac McCarthy's The Road comes in as a close second on both counts.






5.Ministries of Mercy: The Call of the Jericho Road – Timothy J. Keller

Keller on social justice and mercy ministries. Extremely practical. Extremely convicting. Our deacon team is now studying this and thinking through implementation at Fulkerson.







4.Deep Church: A Third Way Beyond Emerging and Traditional – Jim Belcher

Though there are some legitimate critiques to be made of Jim Belcher's proposed "third way" between the emerging and traditional models for church, I found much to resonate with in this book.






3.Culture Making: Recovering Our Creative Calling – Andy Crouch

If you're only going to read one book on Christians and culture, this is the one to read. Better than Carson's Christ and Culture Revisited.







2.Leading on Empty: Refilling Your Tank and Renewing Your Passion – Wayne Cordeiro

A book for pastors and leaders on the importance of maintaining spiritual, physical, and emotional health. In some ways, this is the most important book I read this year, though not necessarily the best. In fact, it's the only book I read all the way through twice.





1.Counterfeit Gods: The Empty Promises of Money, Sex, and Power, and the Only Hope that Matters – Timothy Keller

Pride of place has to go to Keller's new book on idolatry. As usual, it combines attributes not often found in one book: exposition of Scripture with cultural relevance, theological insight with penetrating heart application, creativity with simplicity.

Links Worth a Look

Several recent posts on how the process of editing my book is taking shape. All I will say at this point is that on one hand, it's a lot more work than I anticipated - but on the other, I'm very pleased with how Kevin is helping me improve the material.

Keller's new post on why preachers who only study and preach and don't spend time shepherding people are not very good preachers.

Andy Crouch's letter to a soon to be published author. Very apropos. (HT: Jim Belcher)

Justin Taylor on Piper's call to the ministry.

Not that many people will care, but for the few who will be interested, my library is now fully cataloged and tagged. There are over 2500 books! Now I'm just adding new ones and the occasional stray that hasn't made it to the list.

First Excerpt of Book

You can now read the first excerpt of Christ Formed in You over at the blog that is tracking the editing process. This is a section from chapter six - representing perhaps one third of that chapter - that will give you a feel for how the book will read.

We're now neck-deep into editing. Kevin has sent back edits on chapters two and three, along with some directed rewriting of chapter four. I am planning to sit down to work on these three chapters tomorrow afternoon and perhaps again one afternoon next week.

Links Worth a Look

My editor, Kevin Meath, has written a new post on his personal blog about writing and editing for a popular audience.

The audio and video for the recent Desiring God National Conference on John Calvin is now online.

Tim Keller's new book, Counterfeit Gods: The Empty Promises of Money, Sex, and Power, and the Only Hope that Matters, releases in less than a month. You can pre-order now.

I've been reading Jim Belcher's new book Deep Church: A Third Way Beyond Emerging and Traditional. I deeply resonate with this book and hope lots of people will read it - especially those who are concerned about this debate and don't know quite where they fit. I may write a review later, but if you want to know more, check out Steve McCoy's review. (Steve's blog put me onto the book).

BTW, Jim is also a pastor and you can visit his church's website to hear some of his sermons.

Watch the Dials on the Dashboard of Your Life

Over the past week, I've been re-reading Wayne Cordeiro's wise and helpful book Leading on Empty: Refilling Your Tank and Renewing Your Passion. In chapter ten, Cordeiro discusses how airline pilots must keep a constant watch on their instruments when flying a plane. This is a picture of what we also need to do. Then Cordeiro talks about the twelve dials on the dashboard of his life that "meter vital systems essential to [his] health and success." (p. 175).

I adapted his list into the following catagories, or "dials," to watch in my life. They are divided into three broader categories: personal (1-4), relational (5-8), and professional (9-12). Here they are with a sample of the kinds of questions I'm asking under each one, which I've edited and adapted from my journal entry on this. I hope to use this for periodic self-examination in my own life. Maybe you'll find it helpful for thinking about yours.

1. Spiritual - How is my prayer life, meditation in Scripture, communion with God? Where am I struggling with sinful emotions, desires, actions, or responses? How is my repentance? Am I preaching the gospel to myself and using the gospel on my heart?

2. Intellectual - How is the "life of the mind"? Am I reading regularly, consistently? Am I exposing myself to the right kinds of books, literature, art, and media? Am I stimulating my mind and imagination?

3. Physical - Am I caring for my body with appropriate exercise, good nutrition, and sufficient sleep? Do I take enough time off? Am I active in a sport that is genuinely re-creational?

4. Organizational - Is my life ordered? Are my schedule, office, desk, and inbox free from clutter? How is my time management?

5. Marriage - How is my relatonship with my wife? Are we spending enough time together, talking regularly, and meeting each other's needs? Are we having fun together? Are we managing conflict in healthy ways?

6. Children - How are my kids? Do they see enough of me? Am I discipling them? How consistent are we in family devotions? Am I consistent in discipline, but free from anger and frustration? Are we having enough fun together as a family?

7. Stewardship - How am I doing with managing my finances, maintaining my house and vehicles? Am I keeping good records? How is my giving?

8. Extended Family and Friends - Am I staying in contact with extended family and friends? Are conversations and visits with them mutually encouraging and helpful?

9. Preaching - How much time am I spending in sermon preparation? Am I starting to work on sermons early enough in the week? Am I planning ahead? Do I sense God's smile? Am I being faithful to the text, true to the gospel, and staying relevant to the diversity of people in my congregation? Are my sermons practical? Are they intelligible to unbelievers?

10. Pastoring - Am I giving good pastoral care to people? Am I leading teams well? Am I mentoring leaders? Am I planning ahead? How much time am I giving to counseling? How are the ministries of worship, education, small groups, children, and youth going? Am I casting vision?

11. Writing - Am I making progress in my book? Am I planning future books? Am I meeting deadlines? How effective is my blogging?

12. Ministry outside my church - How is my ministry outside of my church context? Missions? Outside speaking engagements? Am I giving too much or too little time to this? What should be my grids for decision making? Am I content with the opportunities God has given me?

Letter to a Wannabe Pastor's Wife

My wife, Holly, was recently invited to write a letter to a "wannabe pastor's wife," to be posted on the True Woman blog. I think her perspective and advice is really good. Even if you're not a pastor's wife, and I'm guessing that most of my blog readers are not, it might give you a different perspective on what is often called "the hardest job in the church." If you're a member or regular attender at Fulkerson Park, it might provide some insight into how Holly and I perceive her role and how we think through ministry decisions and priorities.


Dear Wannabe Pastor’s Wife,

I think it’s great that you would like to be a pastor’s wife! I consider it a huge privilege to be married to a man who preaches God’s Word week after week. I love my husband and am grateful for the ministry the Lord has given us.

Let me begin by sharing our current ministry circumstances. We’re getting close to completing our first decade in pastoral ministry. Brian is in his second pastorate. We’re in our mid-thirties and our children are currently 7, 3, and 2. So, the things that I’ll share reflect the context of a mother of three small children.

Sometimes there are unwritten expectations that the pastor’s wife will be a Bible study leader, the church pianist, and a great soloist all rolled into one package–oh, and she pulls this off with the kid’s hair and clothing looking perfect at all times! But we will become slaves to people’s opinions if we order our lives to please everyone else. I have sometimes found myself side-tracked with worries that I wasn’t meeting people’s expectations. Keep your eye on the ball (God’s Word)! I find much peace in going back to Scripture and reminding myself that my real acceptance and security rest in Christ’s grace, not my performance.

When we were interviewed before coming to our current church, we clarified what my role and level of involvement within the church would look like. My role is the same as most mothers with several small children. This church has been extremely supportive and respectful of me in that decision. Biblically, the role of a pastor’s wife is the same as every wife’s: love your husband and children, manage your home well, and be an example to women around you (Titus 2:4-5). Though keeping the home running smoothly may seem mundane, this is an important ministry to Brian. We regularly evaluate what I’m doing in the church to ensure that it’s best for our family. I let my spiritual gifting direct many of my choices. I would encourage you to do the same–pastor’s wife or not! My spiritual gift is service, which means much of my involvement is behind the scenes. This, of course, will vary from person to person. We will serve people best if we’ll just be ourselves.

Your main role is to support your husband. This will look different for each family but here are a few suggestions:

1) Watch out for him. You know him better than anyone and have his best interests in mind. If he is overworking himself, lovingly bring it to his attention. Try to find ways to lighten the load. Occasionally, there are seasons where there is no way around the busyness at church. During those times, be his “fun zone!” Be the place where he can relax and not have to fix problems.

2) Give your husband helpful and honest feedback. Brian often asks me for feedback on his messages. When he asks for advice, I try not to shoot off the cuff, but take it seriously. Some Sunday mornings, I am unusually exhausted or maybe one of my children was distracting me. So the problem may have been with me, not the sermon! Take time to think through your opinions carefully to be sure they are wise and accurate.

3) Stand with him when times are tough. Even when you disagree with him, respect him, both publicly and privately. Pray that God will give him wisdom in making decisions. Do not forget the seriousness of his calling. He is bringing the gospel to the church each week.

Here are a few other random thoughts:

• Never gossip. As a pastor’s wife, you will be privy to much personal information. Keep all of it to yourself. Let this knowledge drive you to pray. It is a privilege to have the trust of people and to be in a position to help them. We must guard that trust.
• Grow a thick skin. A pastor almost never gets a 100% approval rating from the church (except maybe during the first month)! There will be criticisms. Try not to take every conflict too seriously. Keep a sense of humor. This is easier said than done, I know. But Jesus will help us when we ask.
• Be careful what you read concerning being a pastor’s wife. There are lots of negative statistics and studies telling how hard it can be. This is not really helpful or useful information. Read people who are positive and offer help for getting through the tough stuff.

I call myself a “weekend widow” because Brian works long hours on Saturday and Sunday! But when I happily “hold down the fort,” it frees him up to do his job. Remembering the eternal significance of what he is doing helps me keep a good attitude.

Thanks for allowing me share with you. If the Lord does indeed call you to be a pastor’s wife, I pray he will give you many wonderful experiences and much joy in it!

Holly Hedges